Note: French Mission Complete 29 March - see below. We have devised a little game. It is called picture bounty. It goes like this: 1) We will dream up ridiculous pictures we would like to see. 2) You actually make it happen (without breaking the law, hurting anyone, or getting arrested). 3) You send us a legit picture (no doctored photos!). 4) We pay you for your troubles. Note: We only pay the FIRST person to pull it off. Send pictures to coolstuff@rangerup.com. So here goes - the open bounties are: 1) A picture of a dude in Iraq standing next to any statue of Sadaam Hussein wearing the "You Stay Classy Iraq" Shirt. $100 2) Two soldiers and a real green zone reporter in Iraq in the exact pose of our "Green Zone" Shirt. $150 3) Any hot female celebrity decked out in our Ranger Up stuff (shorts or tank). $200 4) A picture of you wearing our shirt next to Chris and Clay (read our story). $150 4b) If Chris and Clay are also wearing our shirts. $250 5) Your whole platoon (or comparable unit) wearing our t-shirts(30 or more). $250* *Only disclaimer for the unit picture is they can't be Dan-A-Palooza Shirts! Anything else is cool. Here comes the disclaimer for you crazy SOBs out there: Ranger Up is not responsible for any activity associated with completing these tasks, including but not limited to: any illegal activity, any property damage, any personal injury, or even death. We strongly encourage you to be safe and to stay within the bounds of the law. By K-Rex*, Ranger Up Fan Mission: A picture of you at the Eiffel Tower wearing our "Vive La France Shirt." $100 As all great stories must start: So no shit there we were..... Having come of age with cinematic classics such as Euro trip and National Lampoons European Vacation, expectations for trips to Europe consisted mainly of trying to repopulate the place - especially France. True- Frenchmen such as Lafayette, Rochambeau (the guy who built the Statue of Liberty), and the monks who first created Champagne truly deserve the "Great American" status, but what else is of value there? The world records which their military has set for most amount of times surrendering may never be surpassed, and combined with their feminine shaving habits one must wonder: what do the French bring to the table that has any value? With this question in mind (and blood in our alcohol-streams) we set out upon the City of Lights in search of an answer, armed only with a camera and my Ranger Up t-shirt to remind any random Pierre which one of us is the real man in the crowd. Our first stop was the "Arc d'Triomph." Curious as to what "Triomphs" the French actually had to celebrate, we had to investigate. The curious thing we noticed was that the celebration revolved around Napoleon - but he was actually Corsican, not French. And oh yeah - he got curb-stomped by a Brit - Wellington. Hmmm...Waterloo was in 1815, meaning that the United States had already kicked the living shit out Great Britain twice by that point. 'Nuff said. Our next stop at the Eiffel tower revealed nothing more than a giant phallic symbol - perhaps a national effort to make up for shortcomings. Judging by the French who we met there(loosely trying to imitate the real soldiers who set foot in France around June of '44) and were cowed by our mere presence, they still have a lot to compensate for. We wish them good luck in their efforts though - they've still got a long way to go. Our final cultural emersion stop was at the Cathedral of Notre Dame. All I can say about this was that right across the river were some great bars full of beautiful women. Yep - you guessed it - American college girls on spring break.** Was it the word beautiful that told you they were imports? Our question (remember there was a question) never was fully answered. What we can say is that America truly is the greatest nation in the world, and we're damn lucky to live here. For those of you who may doubt this assertion, I'd invite you to make the pilgrimage to a place in France simply called "Omaha." God Bless America. and Ranger the F*ck Up! Notes From Ranger Up * We chose the name K-Rex for him – he’s not self-nicknaming…which is lame…no matter what… ** There are hot French girls, but having spent many years in Europe, we will attest that the Spring Break American College Student is the easiest specimen to have a “conversation” with… |
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