by Kelly "Thor" Crigger The embodiment of Lone Wolf McQuaid and Walker, Texas Ranger is a cult figure of mythical proportions and is reportedly the reason Waldo is hiding. The fact that he’s never won an Oscar is proof enough that conspiracy theorists are right, which also means the government is out to get you, aliens abducted Elvis, and Patty Hearst was the gunman on the grassy knoll. But for all of his super bad-assery, even Norris knows the sting of kryptonite, and it’s not a broken Total Gym. He simply has no ground game. “It’s boring,” he once admitted while giving a thinly veiled compliment to MMA. “[MMA] fighters have become so proficient at the ground-and-pound and avoiding submission holds that it’s boring.” Oh really, Colonel James Braddock? Just for that crack I’m going to expose you like Tara Reid’s right breast. Step 1 - Close the distance. Norris's striking ability is legendary. He allegedly sued NBC for naming a show Law and Order because he’d already patented those words for his left and right legs. If you stay within his punching range then make sure your coffin is silk-lined for a pleasant trip through the afterlife. With a human weapon like this, you have to get in close and work for a takedown. But therein lies the problem. Norris’ belt buckle doubles as a Roman shield in case he has to defeat an entire Greek Phalanx while shooting Missing in Action 6. It’s also bright enough to start campfires eight miles away. Ordinary men drop to their knees before its opulence, screaming “Oh God! My eyes!” Your best bet is a pair of those cool 1980 glacier glasses to keep from being permanently blinded. Might as well make a fashion statement. Step 2 – Once you get close, grab either a single or double leg and take him down. Now he’s in your world, provided your world is lying on top of another man and violently exerting energy on him. Unleash your ground and pound and forget submissions. The man who scared the Soviet Union into quitting would never dare tap out. If you’re inside his guard, go for the overhand right. If you manage side control, start dropping short elbows, but be careful. His short stature makes it easy for him to rip his beard off and use it like sandpaper in your eyes. Just another way the glacier glasses will protect you. Emergency Backup Plan – If all goes wrong and you can’t manage to get the star of “Top Dog” off his feet, then go for the Muay Thai clinch. Once there grab his hat and use it like a hockey jersey. Pull it down over his face and swing away while he’s blinded. Just be careful not to rouse Chuck’s little brother, Aaron, who lives in his hat. Bonus Points – As if kicking Chuck Norris’ ass wasn’t enough to get you inducted into the Ranger Up Hall of Fame, you get bonus points for ripping off a handful of chest hair and blowing it back in his face. Only the great Bruce Lee was able to accomplish this feat of hyper masculinity. |
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