Douche of the Week – The Youth Baseball League of New Haven
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Douche of the Week – The Youth Baseball League of New Haven
President George W. Bush
(with a little help from K.C.)
My fellow Americans: My tenure as your Commander-in-Chief is nearly complete. I am unsure what I will do when I am no longer the most powerful man in the free world, but I thank all of you who have sent me suggestions through my website. Just so you know, fighting former Russian President Vladimir Putin in a cage match was denied by the Kremlin, but we tried because you asked. That’s good looking out.
In these last seven and a half years as President there hasn’t been much that I haven’t accomplished. But there is one verb that has intrigued and avoided me at the same time-I haven’t smited anyone. You know, in the Old Testament way with fire, brimstone, and locusts. Sure, I brought down severe scunyon on those whiny Babylonian hooligans, but turning someone into a pillar of salt and then kicking it over to watch them crumble into the sand…well that’s just cool.
Fortunately I now have someone to target my wrath on. My recently formed Counter-Douchebag branch of the FBI has informed me that the Youth Baseball League of New Haven, Connecticut banned 9 year-old pitcher Jericho Scott from competing in little league games because he had a 40 mph fastball. When his coach righteously defied the ban and let Jericho pitch, the other team did what no red blooded American should ever do…they quit. Quit, as in gave up, skeedaddled, turned tail and run. Can you believe that? What if our brave Texas ancestors had given up the Alamo? A lot of us would be speaking Mexican, eating churros, and wearing oversized sombreros right now.
As a graduate of Yale University, I am only slightly surprised by this level of spineless assholianism. Why? Because Connecticut is a state whose claim to fame is oysters and Benedict Arnold. That means they’re always horny and have no loyalty-a perfect demographic for the Noble Order of the Blue Falcon. This new little league drama highlights just how low they’re willing to stoop. They would prefer to teach their children that if you can’t beat ‘em, roll over and expose your soft underbelly-a tactic only the Spears family uses when they want to entrap a potential suitor.
When adversity strikes we have two choices – turn tail and run or walk right up to the thing that scares you and fight. Americans don’t run, and we can’t start now. We go back in the building and pull out one more victim. We stand up to the men that have hijacked our plane and we decide that no matter what happens to us, they are not going to complete their mission. We never give up until victory is ours. Unless you’re from New Haven – then you teach your children to cower back into the seat, hide under the bed, and hope someone with some courage comes along and solves the problem that they lack the moral courage to fix.
Jericho Scott is New Haven's boogeyman because he's exceptional, and well, exceptional people make everyone else feel average. In the old days people just worked harder if they wanted to be exceptional. That's the way it should be. Not in New Haven - they eliminate the kid with the work ethic so their kids don't have to face the reality that maybe they aren't all that special after all. Spectacular. Now everyone is special.
Ironically, it is not the hitter who takes the greatest risk in little league, but the pitcher. I know a little bit about this since I once owned the Texas Rangers baseball club. Because of the high velocity that balls come off an aluminum bat, Jericho’s the one taking the risk here, not the hitters that the league claims to be protecting. Just ask the families of teenagers Stephen Domalewski, Brandon Patch, and Donald Bennet, all of whom were permanently injured or killed by line drives from an aluminum bat. For the league to say they’re out to protect the hitters is what you call a non-sequitir. Look it up.
This silliness gives me a Longhorn-sized headache. You see, I stood up to the axis of evil in this world because I believed in the cause I symbolized and more importantly, myself to make the right decision. It takes self-confidence to be a leader. And where do you suppose that comes from? It’s the true reward of competition and by disbanding an entire team, the league has robbed those children of that precious chance to establish their moxy and grow into arrogant Americans like the rest of us. What effect will that have in the long run? We’ll produce a nation of “I can’t do that-ers” who marry the first mustachioed Hungry Woman who responds to a lame come-on line. My father and his greatest generation would happily kick all of them in their lady parts.
To the kids who have been wronged by the league: These people are the canker sores of life. They are Survivor addicts who never apply to be on the show because they think they have no chance of being chosen. They struck out in T-ball and grew up looking for someone to take their angst out on. They grew up clutching a briefcase in the library as they waited for the school bus because everyone wanted to beat their ass. They see the world through victim’s eyes and have no enemies because they’ve never stood for anything in their lives. They are Professors Emiratus of Douchebaggadameia and deserve no emulation. But not to worry, I have a plan.
The great Americans at Ranger Up have been begging me for a plot of land to banish non-Patriots to for quite some time. I considered giving them West Virginia, but even though that sparsely populated little state tends to be butt of more than a few jokes, it’s actually a pretty little place with a lot of hard working real Americans. As such, I have forthwith revoked the statehood of Connecticut and established the new territory of Douchebagistan in its place. This country has been itching for a prison colony ever since Snake Pliskin’s penultimate performance in “Escape from L.A.” so I’m going to give it to them. The flag will continue to have fifty stars, but we’ll all know which one is the other 49’s bitch. The sitting members of the Youth Baseball League will be the first banished to this new territory and will be put in charge of all non-confrontational activities, like “Pull my shiv,” “Fluffer training,” and the ever popular, “Hide and Go Seek in the laundry room.”
Now that’s what I call smited.
Copyright of K.C.