We get a lot of mail at Ranger Up. 45% of our mail is from the armed forces telling us to keep up the good work. This means the world to us and we are always thankful and excited to receive it. 45% of our mail is from the armed forces, telling us the Ranger Up Girls are exceedingly hot. We cannot deny the argument – they are hot. 10% of our mail is from people who think we’re rightist fascists and we should be ashamed of ourselves for blah, blah, blah . We follow our standard protocol by asking these people to define “fascist” – and have yet to receive an answer. This statement will likely set off an onslaught of “fascist definers”. I look forward to it. Lately, however, much of our mail is about Rosie O’Donnell. Our fans believe she should join the elite ranks of the Douchistanis. We disagree. Not because we think she’s a great person or that her actions are excusable – but rather because Who cares what Rosie O’Donnell thinks? We all have a Rosie in our lives. Think about it. Your whole crew is around a table at a bar – you’re talking about whatever – there’s that one knob jockey that everyone sort of hates, but she’s been so-and-so’s friend for twenty years. She has to be loudest, has to top every story, laughs at her own jokes, delivers every word with faux-confidence, even when everyone else knows she’s delivering sentence after sentence of bullshit, and last, but certainly not least, turns any possible slight, perceived or real, into a huge drama-fest. Now take that person and give her a national forum to say whatever she wants. Please don’t misunderstand – Rosie is monumentally stupid. She pegs the ignorant meter. But as much as we’d love to hate her, The Donald is right – she’s just a loser – a rich one for sure – but a loser nonetheless. I mean, she thinks that 9/11 was an inside job – she actually thinks that the President conspired to wage a war on NYC - do we really need to say anything else? That is a profoundly idiotic statement founded in nothing that even resembles reason. Rosie Fan: That’s not true! Rosie says that there is no way the building could have fallen with just a plane because of physics! Ranger Up: Oh, really? When she was running her numbers, did she use Fourier to map the heat dispersion through the building from the jet fuel or did she jump to the broader Heat Equation? How did she model the building? Did she use a series of trusses, think of it as a thin-walled pressure vessel, or what? We’re dying to know, because we’re sure she didn’t just hear some other wack-job talk about yet another sordid conspiracy theory and without actually doing her own due diligence by talking to experts, reading up on the topic, or you know, using rational thought, just start telling the world that the American government not only flawlessly conspired to kill its own people to absolutely no gain, but planned, orchestrated and executed a multi-national mission to do so without a single leak to the media, and has kept this whole evil plot silent to this day. Help us out. Folks, all we do by acknowledging it is feed her ego by making her relevant - WE make her matter – because otherwise, she just wouldn’t. Throughout much of history, in most every civilization, there is a continuum of need and hence respect that a society awards to groups based on their function: warriors, who protect the state and farmers, who feed the state generally rank first; followed by artisans; followed by the merchant class and money handlers; followed finally by the entertainers. This is not to say that entertainers do not provide value or that they do not have their place. But let’s be realistic – of the following items, which is least important to you? 1)Your safety 2)Your ability to eat 3)Your home, furniture or other crafted possessions 4)Being able to purchase products conveniently online or at the mall with a credit card or 5) “The View” Rosie's just an entertainer. She has no real-world skills - no education or trade talents that would mean anything if she wasn’t famous. She's a court jester who exists to amuse us. She needs medication - not our attention. But there’s good news: The great thing about entertainers is that unlike so many of the real problems we have in this world, if we ignore them, they just go away... Admission to Douchebagistan DENIED. Admissions Committee recommends reapplication to LOSERLAND. Copyright of Nick |
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